HeadToast.com

Can you believe it?

This guy wins 41 million in the lottery on a Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.

Talk about LUCK!!!!

Where’s my blarney stone?

What a Job

When you have an ‘I Hate My Job day’ [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days] Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: ‘Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.

‘ Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,’I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.’

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys’ side of the story. ( I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear ” the rules” From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really ..

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Cricket  or motor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh

Merry Xmas

But, they got away with it… Scratch your head in complex denial!

_{It’s time again for the annual “Stella Awards”! For those unfamiliar with
these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico
where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the
coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever
think one could get burned doing that, right?}

That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts
in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head.

Here are the Stella’s for the past year:

7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching.

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the
Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being
bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as
much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been
provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr … Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled
soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the
floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during
an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah,plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the
cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

This explains why you often see stupid warnings in owner’s manuals like:
“Do not iron clothing while being worn.  Remove clothing before ironing.”

Why Mother’s Drink!
A Mother passing by her son’s bedroom was
Astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and
Everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up
Prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Mom’
With the worst premonition she opened the envelope
With trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m
Writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend
Because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she
Is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her
Because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle
Clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion… Mom she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She
Owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
For the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
More children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact
That marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be
Growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
People that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science
Will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it. Don’t worry Mom. I’m 15 and I know
How to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that
We will be back to visit so that you can get to
Know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon

P. S. Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at
Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that
There are worse things in life than the report card
that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.